Have you ever known someone who inserts themselves into situations that aren’t necessarily their situations? Have you ever known someone to tell stories or provide information that makes them seem super important? Or in relationships has it seemed like this person appears to be (and likes to be) the most valuable, insightful person to the people you’re in relationship with? Are you that person?
Every body wants to feel valuable. Especially in relationships. We want to build relationships with friends and significant others that make us feel important and needed. I don’t know about you but I let it get too far at times. I am (although I’m learning not to be) the type of person who will openly make myself available to those that I am in relationship with and won’t set up a boundary. We often think that saying no or putting up a boundary is for other people. And in some ways it is. But in all honesty it’s for us. Boundaries help keep our life in balance. They also help us from over extending ourselves or putting ourselves in positions we do not like.
For example, I have a lot of God children OMG. But I have God daughters that are twins. Since they were smaller I played an active role in being there for them. Helping their mom when they were babies, watching them while their mom went grocery shopping or ran other errands, being present to assist with every birthday party, helping to potty train them etc. As they grew older and became involved in extracurricular activities I was always at every event. No matter the season or time or what else I had going on my schedule would be adjusted to support them to include out of town games. But I often did this not only at the expense of how I might be feeling but at the expense of how my kids were feeling. I enjoyed supporting them. I loved being there and I loved knowing that they loved me being there. But this also made me feel important. It made me feel valued. Even though there were days where I was simply exhausted or my kids were crying and wanted to stay home, I would still show up because it made me feel important. You may look at that as ok but the key word is ME.
Sometimes we have to look at situations and determine why we are doing things. What is our goal? What is the purpose? Are we doing things that solely revolve around what we need or are we doing it because it’s our heart’s desire and we genuinely take pleasure in it? Sometimes we are doing things to please other people (which I truly am guilty of) and other times we are doing things to please a personal struggle within ourselves. Needing to be more important in someone’s life than what is necessary can be tied to self esteem and how we feel about ourselves. See in my mind, if other people see how valuable I am by my acts (showing up, helping, organizing, rearranging schedules to assist or be present, always doing!) then they will value me as a person. And while showing up and being present for those we love is important, those actions should not be the only thing that defines us as a person or defines us in that relationship.
We should know that our self worth is in more than what we can do for people. We need to know that feeling important or valuable is tied to how we feel about ourselves. I’m learning that although I’m not perfect, I am an asset to those around me and to any organization I’m apart of. I don’t always have the best ideas. I’m not perfect but I know I’m caring, honest and my hearts desire is to serve. Those are great traits! But I sometimes feel like I have to prove that to people and then I have to catch myself. Listen, if the people in your life don’t see the value in you as a person unless you’re doing something for them or doing what they want, GET NEW PEOPLE.
I’ve made it a point to start paying attention to how I feel on the inside when engaging with those I’m connected to. Do I feel good about myself? Do I feel positive? Do I feel like myself? Those things are important to who we are. All relationships are a work in progress but who we’re connected with should push us forward. Our relationships should make us want to be better and do better. But we are also accountable for ourselves. We are in charge of what we do, what we say about ourselves, how we let others treat us and how we view ourselves. We can’t let people place value on us because at times people fail to see our growth. They fail to see how we’ve changed and will keep us in the box we fought too hard to get out of.
I want to encourage you to check your heart and your mind. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 51:10 “Create it me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” because I want to be doing things for the right reasons. Check your reasoning for why you’re doing the things that you’re doing. What’s your purpose behind it? If you’re doing it to please others, make yourself look good, or just to be doing it then not only are you not being true to those around you, you aren’t being true to yourself. You should know where you stand in your relationships. And there should be proof of what you contribute to that relationship. If you find yourself constantly questioning your value make sure it’s not you that needs an adjustment! If you know you’re a diamond don’t put the responsibility on someone else to constantly confirm that- act like the valuable, precious gem that you are.
When ever I find myself questioning who I am or what I mean to those I’m connected to it’s always because I’m inserting myself into an area that I have not been invited into. Allow people to be who they are, share what they want and connect on their level. I’m learning to remove expectations of what I think something should be like. When we put too much focus on what people don’t do and allow it to doubt our value it’s a reflection of an unbalanced expectation. Regardless we have to remind ourselves that we are important. We mean something. Our thoughts, goals, dreams matter. Who we connect with matters and not just that, the way we enhance the lives of those we’re connected to is important. But our value rests not in the thoughts or actions of those around us but in our hearts. Our value lies in who we know we are and in what God says about us.